Thursday, November 1, 2012


I scared the SHIT out of my neighborhood for this year's Halloween. Our home is quickly becoming known as "The Halloween House." The premise for this year was simple....make my front yard a graveyard. Put an empty black coffin in the middle of the yard. Surround it with candles. Stalk around the yard in a demon mask and wizard cloak. SCARE THE CHILDREN.

Perhaps I went a little overboard. After all, Halloween isn't about scaring people shitless. Its about giving fat kids flavored sugar, right? 

Here's a TOP 10 list of what I heard from neighbors as I tromped around the yard, looking ridiculously awesome:

1. From an overprotective mother - "Don't come over here scaring my daughter. That's not what this is about! I'll call the cops on your ass!"

2. From a young child dressed as a princess - "Mommy I'm scared of this one."

3. From the kid across the street - "Do I know you? stay right there. RIGHT THERE."

4. From a thug kid about 2 years too old for Halloween - "Awww shit, naw man. Naw man. Is that real?"
5. From thug kid's friend - "Of course he's real, he's breathing."
6. From thug kid again, right after I jumped at him with a fake knife - "Maaaaaaan. Man! Shheeeit, man. Shit" (as he held his hand over his heart)

7. From a cute 5-year old who had NO fear - "Who are you supposed to be?"

8. From a lady who scares too easily - "Oh my god, did you come out of that coffin?! You DID didn't you! Oh no!"

9. From a father/daughter combo - Father is laughing his ass off at my costume, daughter is scared shitless. "Its just a guy in a costume, don't be such a baby. Go get some candy from him!"

10. From another group of hoodrats - "Awwww, you done messed up now! Letting us take whatever candy we want?! Damn, you messed up!" - and they proceeded to take large handfuls of candy...taking all the candy I wanted to get rid of anyway (Laffy Taffy). 

See you all again next year, you little bastards!

1 comment: