Sunday, June 24, 2012

Amazing Authentic Advertising: Freddy Krueger!

Welcome to this month's edition of Amazing Authentic Advertising!

I was never allowed to watch the A Nightmare on Elm Street films as a kid. Not that I really wanted to watch a movie about a burn victim who murdered kids in their sleep, but still. Let's just say they were a missed opportunity, much like what I am about to show you.

One look at this old advertisement I found in a 1988 issue of Superman adds one more thing to the list that I can never forgive my parents for.


Man, for just under $100 I could have had the face, the hat, THE GLOVE...everything. eBay, here I come!

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Saddest, Most Depraved 27-Minute Documentary I've Ever Seen

I don't really know how I came across the Child of Rage documentary on Youtube. I was watching Kids in the Hall sketches and somehow stumbled onto it. The title made me curious. The first words out of this poor kid's mouth shocked the hell out of me.

A fair word of warning...this documentary is shocking, sad, depraved and extremely fascinating. Simply from a character study point of view, this is one the most brutal and real things you'll ever watch.

Now, there are some tough subjects that get discussed in this video. I do NOT recommend you watch it if you don't want to hear about some real human atrocity. Do not watch this video if there are people around you (i.e. difficult parents) who would not approve. You've been warned.

But seriously...this is worth a watch, especially for anyone with kids.

"Child of Rage" (1990)
HBO Documentary

Thursday, June 21, 2012


The first official trailer for the upcoming film DREDD, based on the comic book character Judge Dredd, has finally been released.

I don't care if people think Judge Dredd sucks. I don't care that Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider ruined the first Judge Dredd movie back in 1995. I'm a huge Judge Dredd fan and I'm excited for this movie.

Here's the new trailer. I think it definitely shows promise.

To me, DREDD looks a lot more faithful to the original Judge Dredd stories in the 2000 A.D. anthology comic series than the 1995 film did. It almost has a Robocop kind of vibe to it. It looks like it could go either way, but Karl Urban is a good actor and a fan of the character, so I'm fairly confident he's done the best he could do with the material they gave him.

The story doesn't look like its entirely original, but I've always liked the idea of a powerful drug in the future that threatens to do blah blah blah. In fact, the plot is eerily similar to Robocop 2 in that regard, but I'll let that slide for now.

For comparison's sake, here's a look at the trailer for the 1995 Judge Dredd movie:

A bit different in tone, eh?

I guess we'll find out which one sucks more in just a few short months....

I don't know about you, but the Vintage Warrior will be keeping track of DREDD. If it's good, then there's always hope for a better JONAH HEX film, right?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Metal Mondays - The Sword

Welcome to my new blog feature, Metal Mondays. Let it be known that I will never post bands that I don't think friends of mine won't like. For example, you will not get videos from the death metal or black metal scenes. If you know me personally, you've probably already heard your fair share of that stuff.

Metal Mondays will feature classic metal bands, as well as their retro contemporaries. I like my music old, whether its new music or not. So lets start this off with one of my favorite retro-metal bands, The Sword.

The Sword are an interesting metal band, for they have achieved great success in the scene without the help of being signed to a known metal record label. The Sword's first album, Age of Winters, took satellite radio and the internet by storm when it was released in 2006. Hailing from Austin, Texas, The Sword mix classic heavy metal with the fuzzed out sound of the 1970's to give them that special groove. Take a listen to one of their tracks off the first album:

"Winter's Wolves." from Age of Winters. 2006. Kemado Records.

Age of Winters is one hell of an awesome album. It pushed The Sword into several different fanbases, as they often toured with a dizzying array of underground bands in order to get their name out there. Often described as "stoner metal," The Sword proved that they could hang with the 'big boys' of metal, as they've toured with everyone from Metallica to Machine Head.

The Sword's second album, Gods of the Earth, took what the band did on Age of Winters and took it to the next level. This is currently my favorite album by the band. Enjoy a couple of cool tracks from the album. Not only are the songs awesome, but the videos are cool as shit:

"How Heavy This Axe." from Gods of the Earth. (2008) Kemado Records.

"Fire Lances..." from Gods of the Earth. (2008) Kemado Records.

The last album I have to share with you from The Sword is their last studio album, Warp Riders. Released in 2010, The Sword continued their blend of vintage metal with classic rock stylings. This time around they went with a concept album, dealing with a sci-fi narrative written by the band. Honestly, I haven't had the chance to fully digest this album yet, but it's got its jams for sure. Take a listen:

"Warp Riders" from Warp Riders. (2010) Kemado Records.

The Sword is currently on tour, and will be recording their next album at the end of the month for their new record label, Razor & Tie. I'm not sure if I've made you a fan, but I sure as hell am looking forward to it!

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of Metal Mondays. Not sure yet who I'll expose you to next week, but chances are it will be worth the wait!

(circa 2008)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Sunday Worship: Flick It Four Times, Murray

Welcome back my faithful, for I have returned to bring you another sermon from the Matt-Cave. This Sunday we've enjoyed the Sega Genesis game Flicky, Bull Murray's Stripes (on VHS of course) and a few chapters from the Essential Fantastic Four vol. 3 collection. Let us prey.

Funny side-note about Flicky. It was designed by the same team behind Sonic the Hedgehog. Some of the animals you save in the original Sonic are modeled from the animals in Flicky.

Flicky is super-addictive. Its stupid as hell and the graphics certainly don't do the Sega Genesis justice (it was developed in 1984 in Japan as an arcade game, but got its US release in 1991). It's a game kind of like Tetris or Columns. There's a certain strategy to it, and once you're in the groove you can go far. Take a look at the clip below for an example of this vintage game:

I don't actually have this game on the Genesis. I've got it on a retro-Genesis controller (complete with 18 classic Genesis games) that plugs right into the TV. It was released by At Games (the same people who released that retro-Atari system full of games a couple years ago). You can probably find it at places like Walgreens or CVS for $25. Well worth it!


Stripes is a classic Bill Murray movie. It's not one of my favorites, but it's definitely full of laughs. I was lucky enough to snag this on VHS for a grand total of 54 cents last weekend. Money well spent!

Stripes is about a couple of slackers joining the Army, where shenanigans ensue. Here's one of my favorite clips from the movie, right before Murray gets the urge to join up:

One of the best revenge scenes ever! 
If I had to deal with people like this on a daily basis, I'd probably join the Army too.

Here's another good clip. This is probably one of the best YOLO speeches you'll ever hear. This scene is very reminiscent of the Bill Murray film Where The Buffalo Roam, which was an exaggerated take on the life of Hunter S. Thompson. There's a lot of moments in Murray's speech here that sound like they could have easily come from the warped mind of Thompson. If you've never seen the movie you'll miss it. 'Tis a shame if that's the case...

If Bill Murray was my drill sergeant, I'd totally be a career-military man!

Featuring such classic stories as the arrival of the Silver Silver, Galactus, the Inhumans and more.

This is a pretty cool collection of early Stan Lee/Jack Kirby Fantastic Four stories. Right now I'm at the first appearance of the Inhumans. So far I've been introduced to Medusa, Crystal, Gorgon, Triton and Black Bolt (who seriously has the worst 'real' name ever, Blackagar Boltagon). This was an interesting time in the F4 folklore. Reed Richards and Sue Storm had just been married and adjusting to married life (Reed is known for extremely misogynistic comments during this time). Johnny was head over heels in love with Crystal, and the Thing was constantly putting himself down for being a freak.

I'm enjoying a lot of these early Marvel stories lately. There was certainly a hint of magic when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby worked together. You can sense it in all of those early Marvel books that this Dynamic Duo produced. The real-world issues that seemed to bleed into the comics are fun to read about, even if the storytelling devices are a tad dated.

Well my faithful, that brings us to the end of this week's sermon. Perhaps Vinyl Friday! will return this week, we'll see.

In the meantime...bow us out, Messiah. Your belly is epic.

Candlemass. "Mirror Mirror" from Ancient Dreams (1988).

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Ideas for the Future Man-Cave

I'm happy with how my Matt-Cave looks for right now, but those of use who take great pride in our Man-Cave's know that a Man-Cave is never complete. There's ALWAYS room for improvement (or additional toys).

In looking at vintage rooms on Google, I came across a few that I thought were awesome. They give me something to aspire to.

This one is my favorite. I like the setup this person has for their records, and I appreciate the reel-to-reel player. The record player is prominently displayed and those speakers look cool as hell.

I like how this person spent all their money on vintage music equipment (note the badass setup for the reel-to-reel), but jack-shit on the furniture. I have two record players like this person does, and the more I look at this room the more I want a reel-to-reel player.

I like the records hanging from the wall. 
I'd like to do something like this one day with a bunch of cheap/shitty 45's.

Using album sleeves as floor tiles. Genius. 

Of course, there's always the simple approach. Just a man and his record player.
If it was good enough for Elvis....

For the comic books. Hardcovers, trade paperbacks and such. 
I could easily fill up 4 of those shelves right now.

A comic book wall. It must be done. I also dig the brick.

Someday, it shall be done!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Just In Case You Missed It: Saturday Morning Watchmen

Well, the Before Watchmen shill-fest has begun. Minutemen is getting a lot of praise, and Silk Spectre was released this week to nearly equal acclaim. I still don't care.

If the Saturday Morning Watchmen video never made it to the geek scene, it should now. This is a definite watch for fans of Alan Moore's original Watchmen book.

Saturday Morning Watchmen is supposedly the only derivative work based on Watchmen that Alan Moore liked. Hey, if Alan Moore can dig it then so can you! Enjoy.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Vintage Gaming: The Sega Master System

I haven't really talked much about my love for old-school video games on this blog yet, so what better time to start than now. Time to get schooled on the SEGA Master System.

SEGA Master System (1986)

I've always enjoyed older video games more than the newer ones. New games tend to get extremely complicated and addicting, with more movie sequences than actual game-play. Sure, the graphics are awesome and the stories are pretty cool...but nothing beats playing a quick round of Super Mario Brothers or Tetris, ya know what I mean? Today's games are just too engrossing and time-consuming. I'll take a two-button controller game over anything out there today, thank you very much.

Growing up as a wee lad, I never had the Nintendo. I had the Sega Master System. I thought it was awesome, but quickly learned that I was missing out on all the games my friends were playing. While the rest of you got your kicks from games like Metroid, Zelda, Mario, Castlevania and Paperboy...I was playing Black Belt, Captain Silver, Ghost House and Alex Kidd.

I didn't miss out too much, though. Like I said...every other kid in America had a Nintendo. So any time I wanted to play a game everyone else had heard about, I just went to a friend's house.

The SEGA Master System had some good games, but it never really had any big hits. Games like Altered Beast and Golden Axe had popularity as arcade games, but were ultimately ignored when they were released on the Master System.

Despite its shortcomings, the SEGA Master System was way ahead of its time (you can say that for most of SEGA's gaming consoles). The Master System was the first video game console to feature proper 3-D games. You had to purchase the super-stylish black 3-D glasses separately, but in my opinion they are worth tracking down. I lost my 3-D glasses over the course of time, yet I vaguely remember them as being pretty awesome.

The SEGA Master System was also the first system to feature "card" games, where the games were on  cards rather than a cartridge. This was something that was later copied by the Turbo Grafx 16 in 1987 when NEC released the console to the Japanese market (TG-16 later got its US release is 1989).

The card games didn't really take off at the time. They are hard to track down these days. I never actually had any of them, but if I ever see one at a garage sale or a thrift's mine.

My favorite games for the Master System were Captain Silver, Altered Beast, Golden Axe and Shinobi. I had a score of other games, but most of them kinda sucked. The problem with the Master System games was that they usually only had 4 or 5 levels, and were so ridiculously hard that you couldn't get to the end of the game. Master System games were notorious for programming issues as well, which made games like Altered Beast fun to play for about 5 minutes.

Altered Beast (1988)

Shinobi was equally as fun/frustrating, as you were a ninja going around saving kidnapped children from bad guys. The gameplay was simple enough. However, that never made any of these games easy to play.

Shinobi (1987)

Ultimately, the SEGA Master System was doomed to fail in the American market. Nintendo already had a stranglehold on the home console market, and most of the games that were released on the Nintendo were exclusive to Nintendo. SEGA got their payback in 1989 with the Genesis system, but that is a tale for another day.

All in all, the Master System is a fun vintage system to have if you can find it for really cheap (with some games added to the deal as well). I've had my system for nearly 25 years and it still plays as well as it did when I was a kid. I wouldn't pay a lot of money for it if I were you, but I certainly wouldn't pass it up either!

Captain Silver (1987)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

4 Things That Really Irk Me About Traveling

1. Automatic flushing toilets. Dammit, I'll tell you when I'm done not the other way around! This is technology gone too far, and its bullshit.

2. Texans. Even when they're not in Texas, they wear stupid cowboy hats and boots.'s not 1885 and you look fucking retarded.

3. Loud children on airplanes. Children under the age of 12 should be taken to their destination via car. All I want is some sleep, you spoiled little bastards.

4. Being told to turn off my "electronic equipment" when a plane is taking off or landing. Can't you hear that fucking baby that's screaming bloody murder or the 8 year old who is high on sugar and delight (or fear) from his first time on a plane?! I also don't believe listening to music on my phone while the plane does its thing is going to make us crash. Go to hell flight attendants. I hope your jobs get replaced by robots someday, you worthless cunts.